damn, when it hurts so good

Maybe it's because the sun decided to come back.....

or the things he said....

or what she shared that inspired and made me think.....

Who knows. It doesn't matter.

Regardless of who, what and why, yesterday I ran.

I ran until my chest constricted, my thighs throbbed and sweat gathered right in that spot where my back curves.

I forgot how much I love running. I forgot how on those just right breezy sunny days J and I would have our running dates around the Charles, and compete to see whose legs could last the longest.

When I woke up early this morning with slight aches and sores, it brought back memories of how good and alive the hurt used to make me feel.

Her revolution will be recognized

Congradulations Sarah Jones! The best is yet to come.











-----------
Your revolution will not be me tossing my weave
And making me believe I'm some caviar eating ghetto
Mafia clown
Or me giving up my behind
Just so I can get signed
And maybe have somebody else write my rhymes
I'm Sarah Jones
Not Foxy Brown
You know I'm Sarah Jones
Not Foxy Brown
Your revolution makes me wonder

Where could we go
If we could drop the empty pursuit of props and the ego
We'd revolt back to our roots
Use a little common sense on a quest to make love
De la soul, no pretense, but
Your revolution will not be you flexing your little sex and status
To express what you feel
Your revolution will not happen between these thighs
Will not happen between these thighs
Will not be you shaking
And me, [sigh] faking between these thighs
Because the real revolution
That's right, I said the real revolution
You know, I'm talking about the revolution
When it comes,
It's gonna be real
It's gonna be real
It's gonna be real
When it finally comes
It's gonna be real
Your Revolution, Sarah Jones

this black seed was planted to grow...

I need to escape.

I must go somewhere. Anywhere.

The entire world has officially lost it's mind and I ...maann, I just got to go.

Ever yearn to see the good but the bad keeps blocking your view? And do you ever sense that sometimes unfortunately inorder for situations to improve they must get 10 times worse?

There was a time when you could have called me Ms. Optimist. My glass was once half full.

Unfortunately my feelings run deep and the chaos of the world tends to weigh heavy on my heart. Due to all the wear and tear my glass now has an irreparable leak and all this craziness has clouded the clarity of its exterior.

To be honest, I'm not even too concerned for myself . It's my children I worry for.

How are they going to grow up in this?

I know, I know I'm only 22 and I don't have kids. But the fact remains that one day I will be a mother, so it's imperative that I now contemplate how and where I want to settle down and anchor my roots.

The United States is almost completely out of the question because when it comes to crazy, the USA is Public Enemy #1. Perhaps I should 'quit America' and head to St.Kitts like Randall Robinson.

I'm actively searching for fertile land y'all.

Land made to nurture my future strong, proud and culturally responsible Black seeds.

Any ideas?

----

From the time you were born, . . .

wherever that place may be, this beautiful black seed was
planted, planted to grow and be free . . .whether its bed of
soil was a city of cement and steel, coldhearted haven,
midwest middle of the road village site, big city bright
with glamour and hidden sights, a grit and grace
paradise, or a down home dirt field south of the border,
with the moon as the only streetlight.

This Black seed was planted to grow . .

this Black seed planted to feel the sunlight.

From the Time You Were Born, Charles McClain

feel like a child...wishing there was some kind of heaven

the most innocent of victims have suffered the longest.

wicked and evilous

these past few weeks have been interesting to say the least.

my sister is right: black folks, especially west indians, love to be 'scandalized'. we are definitely entertaining storytellers. no matter how small each tale is told with grand hand movements, animated facial expressions and varying accents to approriately acknowledge all characters involved.

some of the best storytellers i know are my girls. our ladie's breakfasts/lunches/dinners always turn into a ladie's day or weekend because everyone always has several stories to share.

our tales can range from the hardships of running a business from home, finally satisfying a curiousity, preparing for married life, arguing an eviction notice to an electrifying late night rendevouz in a not so discrete location.

in one another's company we are able to momentarily shed our sometimes cumbersome strong black women's armor and allow the entirety of who we are to be laid bare. together we share our passions, fears, insecurities, questions and desires. what cements our bond is food and laughter, which always overflows with abundance when we come together.

great food and great laughs is what heals the heart and fills the soul.

this summer there's sure to be much eating, sharing, scandalizing, building and adventures.

speaking of strong black women, i'm not too sure how i feel about this.

whenever someone who isn't black mentions black people i feel my ears perk up a bit and my back muscles tighten in prepartion of the possibilty of hearing something that may require me to duly check someone.

is it being sensitive or simply aware? can it be a combination of both and on somedays maybe more one than the other? i do admit there are some of us that draw the race card a little too quickly, while others are way too hesitant.

call it what you will, but hate is hate.

you ever hear something that you're just not ready for? and once it hits your ears and registers, you really can't believe that you actually heard correctly?

that's how i feel when my friends and i get together. i swear the things that come out of their mouths is straight up and down unbelievable. whenever and wherever we gather there's sure to be theatrical hand gestures accompanied by quotable remarks. most of the time i'm either crying and/or holding my belly from laughing so hard.

i spent the afternoon with one of my girls that i haven't seen in awhile. a few of us pack into my girl's car and she tells us about how ,as of last night, she let go of her most recent trifling bed buddy. she says that the guy has been 'baby baby pleasing' all day trying to get her back but she will have none of it. so i'm sitting in the backseat listening to one of the funniest stories i've ever heard and attempting to recover from some of her smart remarks from earlier this afternoon, when she has the whole car in hysterics with this one:

"I finally told him to consider us like edible panties: you can get one good use out of it but try regurgitating that sh*t and it's just not the same."

so today i got some much needed legal advice with a side of good ol' humor.

laughter is a definite cure-all.

first love, standing first in line

i went home this weekend and spent time with my boy b. i've known b since the 10th grade and it's been interesting watching my first love find his way towards becoming a man.

i would have never imagined being with him in high school but somehow it happened and it made sense. we fit. grown folks would often comment on how mature our love was and how happy we seemed. from administrators to teachers to students, everyone was interested in our relationship. to this day whenever i go home someone wants to know how b is doing and whether we're still together.

though our relationship was definitely mature in many aspects, we were still teenagers and we definitely had our dramas. we joke now that back then we were on some serious black dawson's creek sh*t. there were strong emotions, public displays of adolescent affection, out of control hormones and too many tearful hallway episodes to count.

there were good times and bad and i wouldn't go back to change a thing.

though our romantic feelings for one another have dissipated, our love has manifested itself into something comforting and genuine. i've been there for the females who came after me, giving some a thumbs down and rooting hard for others. i'm rooting for the woman he's with now and i pray for his overall happiness.

b and i have gone from teenage lovers to semi-adult friends attempting to find our niche in life.

in the may issue of essence there's an article about a woman who was invited to her ex's wedding. though she was unsure of attending she finally does and is happy with her decision. she finds closure in witnessing her old lover exchange vows with another woman and in the end understands why he wanted her there and why she went-- "because there is comfort in having people around who knew and loved you back then, and who can find a way to accept and celebrate the person you are becoming right now."

how true it is.

just like a song in my heart......

a few days ago my beautiful best friend/sister sent me a wonderful package meant to lift my spirits and make me feel loved. in it was a mix cd with music from corinne bailey rae. it's been in constant rotation at my place and i'm hooked. she is definitely what's up.

ashe

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no one, and nothing goes unchanged

This past weekend was AMAZING! Aside from being oh so shamed by a 5 year old who wrote me a note to "STOP TALKING!"(HAHAHA!), there was a TON of reflecting, eating, sharing and laughing.

It's surreal the various yet to be experienced journeys that lay ahead for my friends and me. There are some of us that are taking our romantic relationships to the next level by cohabitating or tying the knot. Others who are applying for jobs in places they never thought they'd want to live. This is all exhilarating and scary. The things we say, the time we spend together, our feelings, our doubts, who we are .........everything now just means more real. Who knows what our future holds but we're all stepping out on faith in ourselves, each other and somebody bigger that in the end we'll be more than fine.

I'm making a lot of decisions nowadays and there's one in particular that I'm hoping my feelings are right about.

Ms.Nina Simone has it right. Everything must change.

Oh if you love fashion and helping out a good cause please hit up this up in support of Rosie's Place.

what a difference a day makes....

You'd think that I had a huge gaping bloody wound with my heart hanging out of it by the way men have been hovering around me like starving vultures. It's actually somewhat funny because a lot of these guys who have approached me recently do have this crazed hungry look on their face as if they're looking for a meal and I'm their favorite item on the menu. HAHAHA!

What kills me is that a few of them are guys that I have already told that I'm not interested. I mean damn! I know that my heart is hurting but I'm definitely not suffering from head wounds so my memory is fine. LOL! I can't front I have definitely been entertained. I guess I can't knock a few fellas for trying. It's been feeling good to smile.

I saw this yesterday and I'm starting not to be surprised anymore.

Thanks to all those that reached out after my last post. I know as E said the entry was real cryptic but I truly appreciate all the love. It's definitely what made this past week somewhat bearable. It started off shaky and ended pretty well. Don't get me wrong- I'm still hurting but the tears have been gone since last Wednesday and sleeping has become a little easier. I've been productive and spent a lot of time with friends.

One of my friends, who has no idea what's been going on lately, asked me early last week to keep my schedule open Friday around 2. I wasn't allowed to ask any question. All I had to do was be ready by 2 o'clock sharp. We ended up at a day spa and wellness center at some random shopping plaza in Woburn. I was surprised with a chocolate pedicure and a 30 minute massage. It was explained that since my birthday the surprise was planned but because of the snowstorm that day everything had to be rescheduled. Part of me wanted to leave the salon because it's hard for me sometimes to accept gifts but I thought about all that's been going on and decided to let it go. Everything happens for a reason and the massage and pedicure came at the right time. I was touched because this friend didn't and still doesn't know all the things that has transpired as of lately but nevertheless wanted to show how much our friendship has meant.

This weekend I visited a girlfriend and her 1 month old son. It's been awhile since I've spent time in an actual home and not just an apartment full of random folks. Her mom made some damn good Haitian food and we spent the afternoon admiring the baby and talking. My girl's father joined us and we were all immersed in a 2 hour conversation on Haiti.

He expressed to us that Haiti can not be saved. Being young and optimistic Haitians we argued that there's hope and the last thing we should do is abandon the island. He went into a story of how Haitians are still living in 1802, the year they defeated the French and took over the island. He explained that as African slaves we could no longer take the brutal treatment of our captures in a place that wasn't our home, so we revolted and overthrew them. He expressed the purpose of a revolt isn't to remain in a foreign land but to return to what you know but being slaves returning to Africa wasn't an option. So they were forced to make a home in the land of their oppressors.

It's like being kidnapped from your parent’s home and forced live and work at someone else’s house. One day shit gets real and you decide to be rid of your captors. You're unsure how to return home so you're forced to stay where you are and start anew. How can you genuinely care and upkeep this new home when there are memories of what occurred there? That is why he believes that Haitians misuse the land and can only care about what it can do for them.

He said that if there were two piles, one consisting of visas ,to get out, and guns , to kill all the wrongdoers on the island, that the pile of visas would disappear first and those who are left will pick up the guns.

No one truly wants to stay.

a labor of love....

This Monday I was honored by a campus group called Brothers About Change with a Women of Distinction Ethel Payne Award of Excellence in Journalism.

While I was visiting my sister in Durham I recieved a message from the org's president asking me to get at him about the ceremony. Being that I helped with nominations the year before I assumed he was calling to see who I had in mind for this year's awards. When I called him back he informed me that I in fact was one of the women being honored. My honest and exact words to him were 'Why?! I don't do sh*t.' I said that not due to false humility but because I feel that I don't do much and always wish to do more.

Those who aren't close friends wouldn't believe this but,at times, I am a very shy person. Compliments and recognition aren't things that I'm comfortable with. I don't do things for the praise of others but simply because I figure if I didn't who will?

Though they admire my dedication people have often asked me why I've sacrificed many nights of sleep and chill time to produce a publication that some at the university consider irrelevant. And there have been many nights sitting in front of the computer when I thought I may be crazy and questioned my purpose. But I've realized early that there is a struggle out there and regardless how much Northeastern wishes to separate itself from the outside world, the university is a microcosim of the society which surrounds it. I may not be able to deliver thought provoking speeches or mobilize large groups to protest but writing is my passion, it is my small offering towards progress.

I remember earlier this semester I wanted to organize a small roundtable discussion with current and past members of the Onyx. I sent out an evite and recieved a response from a woman who regretfully couldn't make it since she now lives overseas. She shared with me how happy she is to hear that the Onyx is striving and told me that though working on the publication isn't always easy it's a labor of love that keeps it going.

In their short exsistance Brothers About Change has come a loooooong way. BAC is an organizatioin of Black and Latino men at Northeastern who created the Women of Distinction Award inorder to combact the negative and onesided images of Black and Latino women in the media. They use the award to recognize women at NU who strive daily to postively shape and impact those among them. I remember the obstacles their former president Johnathan went through inorder to make his vision of the award ceremony become a reality. Now he has graduated, works in the financial aid office and serves as BAC's faculty advisor.

He opened up Monday's ceremony with a speech on the 8 characteristics that his woman of distinction is comprised of. Each characteristic matched up to past and current honorees and he gave me the gift of creativity. The most touching moment was when Major, a student at Berklee College, sang a heart melting rendition of You Are So Beautiful. Though the songs lyrics are simple Major's blessed vocals made them resonate in my heart. I hope someone recorded it.

In Their Eyes Were Watching God Zora Neale Hurtson described women "as the mules of society" and it's refreshing to see a group of young men unapologetically recognize the tireless work of Black and Latino women. Not only was I touched to be the only student this year to recieve the award but to also be in the company of Alejandra Lombardo who is the acting Director of the Lation Student Cultural Center and especially Dean Lula Petty-Edwards of the African-American Institute.

I actually spent much of Monday afternoon interviewing Dean Petty for an article and she's always dropping gems of knowledge. She is definitely a force and to stand beside her as a fellow woman of distinction, I will do my all to uphold that title.

I swear my life changes every second. When I finally get in front of a computer to update this thing so many things have already happened and feelings felt that sometimes I wonder what's the point of blogging at all. .... But no worries: I love to share and I LOVE to write so I eventually don't stay gone for too long.

Last Wednesday and Thursday I attended a youth worker's conference and I've been on a high ever since. I've attended plenty of conferences and far too many have dry impersonal icebreakers and for some reason put me in an antisocial place. But on Thursday I deviated from a workshop that was chosen for me and found myself joining Telling Our Stories which was facilitated by an amazing woman named Justice.

We started the workshop by forming a circle, saying our names and organization and sharing with the group the last time we wrote in our journals. Some shared simply the time of their last journal writing and others went into what they wrote about. What this icebreaker did was immediately create the sense of a safe community-- a place where our feelings and insights could be shared without fear and hesitation. One man from City Year shared that the last time he wrote in his journal he thought about his grandfather and his unrelenting commitment to service. At that moment an intense sense of self and purpose penetrated me. All my life I have always felt the need to help others and simply hearing the guy from City Year express his commitment out loud caused mine to become more real.

Justice asked us all to pick one ancestor card, internalize the word written on the front of it and share why we thought out of all the cards on the table we ended up with the ones in our hands. Many people in the circle were tripped out by the word the word they chose. One older woman had the word courage and shared with us that she always thought of herself as a courageous person because where she grew up being afraid and unsure wasn't an option. Receiving the word courage shook her up because she's in a place in her life right now where she is afraid and is facing various issues that she's uncertain she can rise above.

My word was serenity- something that I wish to truly reach one day.

Taped to the various walls of the room were large sheets of paper with the words: love, spirituality, power and I think peace. Justice asked everyone to gravitate towards the word that means something to them and to collectively create a poem. Due to various things going on in my life right now I was drawn to love. My group decided to simply write down whatever came to mind when we thought of love. In the end we created a free flowing poem that was perfection. One woman ended the poem by stating that "it's all we need" and spontaneously started to sing Mary J's Love is All We Need. We were all shocked to see this white teacher in her mid to late forties belting out word for word one of the Queen of R&B's classics.

I will be forever affected by that workshop and the people I met that day. It's rare to get a group of folks to step outside their comfort zones and that day we connected far beyond being youth workers and more as people.

This time tomorrow I'll be on a plane to Durham, North Carolina to see my younger sis and best friend star as the leading role in a Duke University production. I know that in true sister fashion we're going to have so much fun it'll be illegal.

I have tons to post about but no time. When I get back I'll be sure to get on this blogging thing.

I still don't know when Black.White will air but on tomorrow's episode of Oprah both familes will be guests. I don't watch Oprah religously but I will try my best to catch this episode.

my 4 things

Folks are tagging all crazy so I guess I'll go along with it:

Four jobs I've had:
1. Intern at Koch Records ( one of the best and most profitable summers in my life)
2. Assistant Director for Westchester Broadway Theatre
3. Project Assistant for City Wide Dialogues on Boston's Ethnic and Racial Diversity
4. Retail - Armani Exchange, the GAP, United Colors and Grand Opening!

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Brown Sugar
2. Steel Magnolias
3. Bronx Tale
4. City of God

Four Places I have lived:
1. Boston, MA ( Hyde Park and Jamaica Plain)
2. White Plains,NY
3. Irvington, NY
4. Brooklyn, NY (whenever my mother was pregnant my dad would haul us to my Aunt Rita's house)

Four Shows I love:
1. Quantum Leap
2. Different World
3. Living Single
4. NY Undercover

Four highly-touted TV shows I detest ( I don't necessarily detest any show but there are some I don't watch):
1. Seinfeld
2. Friends
3. most of the shows on BET ( I prefer TV One)
4.

Four books I'd recommend to anyone, anytime:
1. Jubilee -- Margaret Walker
2. Song of Solomon-- Toni Morrison
3. What Looks Like Crazy -- Pearl Cleage
4. A Gathering of Old Men -- Ernest J. Gaines

Four places I have vacationed:
1. Spain
2. Virginia
3. California
4. Florida

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. BREAKFAST! -- I LOVE breakfast! eggs, home fries, grits, beef or vegeterain sausage links or patties, pancakes with strawberries or blueberries and a TALL cold glass of orange juice
2. Jerk chicken, rice and peas, sweet plantains and cabbage
3. Shrimp Pad Thai
4. My mom's spicy conch and brown rice. Actually my mom's anything is my favorite.

Four sites I visit daily:
1. Yahoo
2. Other people's blogs
3. Google
4. Dictionary.com

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Home with the family
2. NY period
3. Ghana
4. Visiting my girl in Costa Rica

this, that, and the third

Many new developements in my life. Things are getting realer then real right now. And though there are many changes I somehow feel an overwhelming sense of calm. I have been so blessed and I'm learning to let it go and let God. Going through a spiritual renewal right now guys and it's and interesting journey........

There's a lot going on in the world that's catching my attention right now.

When I saw the commerical for this I was on it. In this unprecedented four-part PBS series, African-American Lives, explores how many of us are unaware of the stories of our individual ancestors. Host and narrator Henry Louis Gates, Jr. helps his guests , which includes Quincy Jones, Oprah Winfrey, Whoopi Goldberg, Chris Tucker, and Bishop T.D. Jakes, trace their roots and history. Call me emotional but seeing the commercial caused prideful tears to swell up in my eyes. I'm going to do all I can to catch it.

Another tv show that I'm looking forward to seeing everyone's reaction to is Black. White. which is an upcoming originial series on FX Networks with Ice Cube as an Executive Producer. The premise is that a black family and white family trade races and are able to "really" experience how the other lives. I haven't wrapped my feelings around this one quite yet but what I heard last fall about it, and I already suspected, is that the white family are the ones who have the hardest time with their experience and the black family felt as if they didn't learn anything new. This should be interesting ...to say the least. Once it airs be sure to stay tuned I'm definitely going to have a lot to say on it.

I love BRAVO's Inside the Actor's Studio and I love Dave Chappelle. So when I heard that Dave would be on the show to dispell the rumors I was more than happy. Check out the video clips Dave definitely drops some gems of knowledge. It's scheduled to air Sunday, February 12 8:00 PM and again Sunday, March 5 8:00 PM. Dave's also on Oprah this Friday.

Coretta Scott King is one of our ancestors now and her passing hit me hard because during my research project for Northeastern's online exhibit I discovered that the university honored Mrs.King with an honorary degree during the height of the university's racial conflict. I was also deeply effected because slowly but surely our leaders are aging. As I get older I wonder who among us will pick up the torch.

I'm definitely going to catch my girl Sanaa's Something New. I support all of her projects and feel that she's one of the best actresses in the industry...black or white. period. Word on the street is that a lot of brothas love Sanaa but definitely don't have love for her character falling for a white man. Something New is another topic I haven't quite wrapped my feelings around yet. I'm going to save all comments and opinions till after I see it this Friday.

I signed up for this and I'm hoping that I get picked to attend. Boston in need of a serious intervention immediately.

Mr.West being Mr. West.

This is basically biting off of this and this. Tsk..tsk..tsk.

Question: Am I a trader if my darling is rooting for the Seahawks and I have a feeling that the Steelers will win on Sunday? Just asking.....oh and for the two of you who are faithful to this blog--lol-- Mr.Man is currently Mr. My Boyfriend.

Let's talk about....

Everyone is talking about sex. Sex seems to be the popular topic of choice.

I was beside myself when my 16 year old sister told me she was interested in sleeping with her boyfriend. I know that she's in almost all advance placement classes, president of her class for three years, in orchestra and holding down a part time job but I still couldn't imagine my baby...my little Shirlgirl being intimate with her barely 17 year old boyfriend or anyone. period. But I knew that she told me because I'm the oldest and she respects my feelings. So I told her not to make any decisions until we could talk face to face. The next weekend my second oldest sister came up from Durham,NC and Shirlgirl traveled from New York so that we could meet up in Boston and have a uncensored sister's heart to heart. I wanted to tell her things that she couldn't learn in health class or read in the pages of Cosmopolitan. We talked about it again during Christmas break. And though I didn't "forbid" her, I let her know that it never hurts to wait. I'm thankful that her boyfriend is the sweetest 16 year old I've ever met and agrees that waiting is a good idea. So for now the two horny teenagers are going to hold it down and keep it in their pants. I don't know how long this waiting will last but I hope that regardless what she decides Shirlgirl will always feel that I'll be there for her.

Once again lets talk about sex........

New Year's day I went along with one my girls to our friend's house who disappeared on us on new year's eve. So I went to her apartment hoping to find out what she could of possibly gotten into to have her gone that night. Our girl told us how she met up with a guy she met a few months ago. On paper this brother sounds marvelous: he's employed (forgot where but it I remember the name sounding real important), he's owns a business and models on the side, has a car and is in the process of buying a condo. My girl was pysched to get up with him because they ran into each other again a few weeks ago and the chemistry was intesnse.

Long story very short they ended up back at his place on new year's eve and it was a disappointment. He was an inconsiderate lover and basically came up short. My girl tried to make the best of a bad situation but it just wasn't happening. She wouldn't have cared so much if he apologized or acknowledged his shortcomings but this guy basically saw himself as a well endowed Don Juan who laid it down right. As she told us the story I truly felt for her. I knew how badly she wanted to hook up with someone since she was leaving the country to teach abroad for several months.

I let her know that there were pretty clear signs that he probably wouldn't be a good lover:

• He continuously talked about himself. He never was curious about her. This basically shows that as lover he'd be inconsiderate, only concerned with is needs and lacks communication which is extremely important in a satisfying sexual experience.
• It's cool to have self esteem but this guy was gassed. Several times he referred to his material assets and how much women sweat him. I'm sticking to my theory that humble men make some of the best lovers. A man who's confidant but still feels that he can improve in certain areas usually is attentive and eager to please.

Sitting there I realized that if you're having sex how important satisfying sex really is. Great sex can put a little pep in your step and have you floating around on cloud 9. Bad sex on the other hand can cause you to become moody and dead a relationship before it even has a chance to start.

Speaking of sex, senior year is when you learn about who's been creeping with who, the girlfriend/boyfriend who had no idea they've been cheated on and the hearts that have been broken in the process. Perhaps I spend too much time in my own world or just don't care too much for other people's business but I had no idea how crazy things are here. But I guess when you live and work somewhere that eventually some playing goes down.

The connections on campus are so ridiculous that it's almost incestuous.I am SO thankful that out of the 5 years I've been here that I've never dated and/or been intimate with anyone at this school except for Mr. Man (who I'm starting to feel bad that I call him tha since our relationship is getting serious). If a new STD is discovered on this campus at least I won't be on line at the University's clinic waiting for a vaccine.

I have no problems with sexual freedom and I respect men and women who are honest about what they want. But all this sexing without protection makes no sense to me. While in college I've heard far too many stories of unexpected aborted pregnancies and the passing of STDs. I know the saying "we're just young, dumb and full of cum". okay. And "sometimes you get caught up in the moment". fine. But there should be a point when taking avoidable risks with your body is no longer acceptable. And hopefully that point doesn't come in the waiting room while you're praying that you aren't and hoping that you don't.

I recently went to the doctor's to start the year off right and make sure everything is in tip top shape. Taking care of yourself is a great feeling. I figure if I make it a habit now to stay on top of all dental, eye, and physical exams that it will possibly spare me a lot of complicatons as I age.

I was a little uncomfortable during my physical because my usual doctor no longer works there so now I have to get used to a completely new one. I liked Dr. Arnold a lot because no matter how backed up with appointments she was you could never tell. She was always sweet and seemed sincerely concerned with everything, not just my health but also my school work and personal life. While she would check my blood pressure and heart rate we'd discuss the books we were reading and current events. We'd even continue chatting like two long time girlfriends while she checked my southern region. This new doctor is aight . There's just something awkard about her. Since she just started I'll chalk up her jitters to being new.

At the end of my appointment I had some blood work done and started chit chatting with the nurse in the lab. She was a middle aged black woman who seemed to be feeling the weight of her long day. I noticed that as when she stuck my arm with the needle that her touch was that gentle. Sitting there my mind began to wonder how she probably was when she first started. Most likely she started out wanting to be a nurse due to the genuine desire to help others and she probably handled her first patient with great care as if they were fragile. I guess after a long day and years of performing the same ol' job that everyone's arm looks the same. After awhile it's all a mindless routine done to pays the bills. Though my arm was sore I felt a little sad for her. Call me a dreamer, optimisitic, or just blame young and dumb but I want the career I end up with to fufill me. I want my work to be satisfying and to be secure enough that if I tire of one job that other options are still available.

what's my motivation?

Last night a few of my girls and I went out to a Vivian Green concert. This was my second Vivian show and she definitely does not disappoint. Whatever man/men did her so wrong that she could make 2 albums about it... all I can say is daaaaaaaaaaamn!

I absolutely LOVE her first cd. It was one of the albums that became the soundtrack to the summer of my sophmore year, since my roommates and I kept it in constant rotation. I haven't bought her most recent work but from the songs she sang last night it sounds pretty decent.

Hearing her voice fill B.B. Kings last night reminded me that I don't sing anymore -- not that my voice has certified gold potential or anything but I've been known to hold a note. Seeing Vivian on that stage pouring out all of her heart made me realize that I've allowed many things that I love and make me who I am to dissipate out of my life.

I've been so caught up with simply living and helping others that all my side projects and hobbies have gone neglected. What's far far far far worse than me not singing is that I haven't really been writing much. Other than assignments and a few pieces for the magazine I haven't written anything just for me. I can't remember the last time I wrote a poem or worked on one of my several unfinished stories.

I'm feeling uninspired. I haven't really been on it like I usually am or like I can be. I have all these ideas and thoughts running through my head but my creative juices just can't seem to flow down to my fingers. Maybe when undergrad is all said and done I'll have more time and inspiration will comeback to me.

Oh another thing I was thinking about last night is that folks have a tendenacy of over thinking things and making it bigger than it needs to be. Sometimes things are simple and genuine--nothing more and nothing less. I know it's random but that's what was on my mind last night.....

missing you

my father passed away december 26th, 1994. and though it's been 12 years sometimes the pain still feels fresh.

get ready--tonight is a night to remember

December 9th I turned 22.

For as long as I can remember my birthdays have always been hit or miss. With finals, holiday season and the death of my father all in the same month my day of birth sometimes simply gets caught up in the mix.

Last Friday I had an 8 o'clock final and unfortunately ran errands in a crazy ass storm that consisted of snow and thunder. That night I ended up at a holiday party since I figured all my friends would be there but I was wrong. I knew only a handful of people because most of my loves ones were tired or just didn't feel like trekking through the snow. Being a light weight to the second power and feeling a little sad on my bday I ended up drinking too much wine. Lets just say that my sexy was definitely not preserved.

The next day I recounted my birthday night to my girl Mel. I told her that all I really wanted was good food, lots of laughs and to be in the ocmpany of friends. Mel asked me not to worry and promised to make it happen. All I had to do was be ready after work to go out.

Saturday, December 10th, 2005 was one of the best birthdays and nights of my life! We went to this place called King's and shut the place down. The food wasn't all that amazing but they made mojitos just the way I like them which means a lot because not a lot of spots can make mojitos right. Our waiter was named Benjamin but since a lot of us were New Yorkers we ended up calling him Benny all night. Benny was great and at the end of his shift made sure to find us and let us know we were his best customers.

What brought the night all together was the music. The music at King's was crazy! We asked Benny who the dj was and he told us that it was actually a mix of songs put together by all the employees. We were shocked because the playlist was absolutely flawless. It was a perfecrt mix of early 90s rap and r&b. We snapped our fingers and swayed to Biggie, New Edition and Mary as we ate our food. After awhile we couldn't take it anymore so we got up and started dancing - nevermind that King's doesn't have a dancefloor.

The laughs that night were endless. There was a lapdances, a soul train line, and dancing on tables. From the staff to the other folks there that night--everyone was included in our fun.

What I couldn't get over that night is that NO ONE attempted to kill our joy. In the almost 5 years that I've been in Boston there has often been a Joy Killer or Debbie Downer around. But that night not one single person told us to get off the tables or asked us to keep it down.

As we finally put on our jackets to leave I was struck by an intense sensation of dejavu and it some how felt comforting. We ended the night two stepping out Temptation style to Kweli's Never Been in Love Before.

I truly believe birthdays can only be wonderful when spent with loved ones and when everyone feels as if it's there birthday too. Mel said it best when she said that it was sincerely the best birthday party she ever had/went to and called the whole experience "spiritual". Spiritual meaning that feeling you get when all is right and every part of your being is content.

That night's joy spilled over into the rest of my week and had me floating. Since I'm getting older and this being my last year as an undergrad, I've decided to back track and close some things in my life. I want to leave Boston with a very small list of should ofs, could ofs, and would ofs. So I'm supposed to be getting up with someone when I go home for the holidays--we'll see if that happens and what transpires if it does. I know that I can't go back and fix everything but I'll try my best.

Mel, Nissi, and I hosted a grown & sexy holiday party this past Saturday. Since we served wine and champagne in red plastic dixie cups we concurred that we don't have the grown part down yet, so it was still sexy but more like young and sexy. We dimmed the lights, put up white christmas lights and had candles everywhere to set the mood.

The holiday party was another incredible evening. Since it was a dinner party all guest were asked to bring wine/champagne/a dessert and come dressed in cocktail attire. Folks truly did it up. The dresses were banging and there were some brothers definitely holding it down.

Thanks to the cooking expertise of Mel and I the guests kept smacking their lips after tasting the stuffed clams, shrimp, green beans and teriyaki chicken we cheffed up. And Ms. Barbara definitely made some serious Haitian rice and beans.

The mix of guests was perfect because Mel, Nissi and I have several mutual friends and associates. Towards the end of the night someone decided to blow out the candles, turn off the christmas lights, move the coffee table and get the party started. Several ladies took off their high heeled shoes and it was officially on. We electric slided it, soul trained it, and two stepped it up until we were all way too tired to move.

Though I'm happy for all these wonderful moments with friends, it's causing me to miss one girlfriend in particular. I feel as if I'm losing her and it's because she seems to want to be lost. I won't front I'm defintely hurt but what can I do? I love her and I know that relationships are like waves. Perhaps this is just one of our low points.

almost moments

I've finally come to terms with the fact that my attraction to you is never going away.
Never meaning that no matter how hard I try to convince myself that these feelings have disappeared ...when I'm being real with me... I know that I want you now more than I did that night I first saw you.

Years have passed and you still cause my breathe to get heavy and my body to tingle with the wish of being near you.

You know what frustrates me? Is that we've had so many moments of almosts--times when it seemed that something could/would develop but never did.

Maybe it's because you're just not that into me or no matter how strong the feelings are perhaps we're afraid. Afraid of what could/would happen if we actually stopped fronting, stepped out of comfort zones and chose to be real.

Though I'm happy with Mr. Man...... I question what I would do if you decided to take a chance.

Maybe this is simply an intense lust. Maybe we're incompatible and a relationship between us would be unstable. Maybe it's true that everything we want we aren't meant to have.

Perhaps all there is are those moments of almosts.

MJB has my heart

Mary has done it to me again. Her single 'Be Without You' is on constant rotation @ my place. The song is simply the truth. Mary hits notes that I never knew she had in her. The video is beautiful too. She even has Mr. Putting Woman Through It Terrance Howard playing her man in.

I forgive Mary for her sometimes simple lyrics and off key singing. I've overlooked those things because Mary has always delivered realness. She's been able to seamlessly blend b-girl forthright into R & B and at the same time take us to church.

When Mary was going down we were down there with her. And when she declared no more drama we too ignored the haters and negativity that threatened to rain on our happiness. How can you not love someone who has continously exposed her deepest pains and flaws and only asks that we accept her as she is?

Mary is the champion of all the woman who have/are going through it and the men who love them.Go into most clubs and at some point in the night 'Real Love' the remix with Biggie has the dancefloor jumping like it's 1992 all over again. That's a genuine testament to how much Mary touches us.

She's finally embracing that Mary that we've always seen inside of her.

Oh Ms. Blige how I love you so.

Sick & Tired

When is it time to call it quits, pack up your things and keep it moving?

I don't even have the energy to go into what transpired the last 2 weeks. But I will say that the nonsense and inconsideration had me seriously contemplating stepping down for my post as the magazine's head woman in charge. My staff let me down to the second power and left me furious and hurt.

I felt/feel like an overworked underprivileged mother who is expected to make miracles out of scraps. On Monday I called a meeting and informed the staff that I'm completely removing myself from the process of producing this year's 2nd issue. I realized that I've done them a great disservice because they've been accustomed to me being around and doing more than my fair share. I needed something drastic to shake them up and make them realize that this is my last year.

So I shared 10 minutes of my disappointed 2 cents and left the office. I gave them a detailed list of the things that needed to get done for our next issue but I would not offer any advice or suggestions. As I walked away I prayed that instead of getting upset and defensive, the staff would come together and get the job done. Though I want them to be successful I also hope they finally understand how much I do and grasp that putting a magazine together doesn't happen with magic.

Well word on the street is that my staffers have been spotted in the library at all times of night and around campus taking pictures. And Wednesday I was asked to look over pics from the cover photo shoot. There were some things I liked and some I didn't but I tried my best to step back and allow them to find their own way.

It's funny to me how senior year is like last call at the bar. Everyone's in a hurry to accomplish all the things they neglected to say, do, or try in the beginning. Brothers I've known for a minute are now revealing their true feeling. Though I'm surprised and flatter I've been here since the beginning so what took you so long? But I guess that's human nature to spend time wondering what could be until it's too late.

I give Mr. Man much credit for taking a chance and finally speaking up. Though it took him 4 years to do it I'm glad that he did because I would have definitely missed out. I'm still enjoying our exclusively dating arrangement. He brings me a sense of comfort that's needed in my busy life and Mr. Man also has the 4 Cs down: cooking, cleaning, cuddling, and communicating. Don't get me wrong things aren't all good all the time -- we've had a few small spats here and there--but nothing too major. My girl Jackie put it best by stating that Mr. Man and I have reached our plateau. Things are still somewhat new but we're both passed the intense being all up under eachother stage. Feelings are still very strong but we're giving each other breathing room.

I'm constantly asked why, if I like him so much, haven't we made things official and what the hell does exclusively dating mean. Weeeelll in my world being in a relationship and exclusively dating are two different things. Dating is when two people are learing about each other and figuring out whether a relationship could actually work. A relationship is when both people are comfortable enough with what they've learned and are willing to make a commitment from it. So Mr. Man and I are exclusively dating. We've basically decided to get to know only each other. This may not make sense to others but we're completely satisfied with our little situation.

teach them well

I was maxing and relaxing all up on cloud 9 yesterday. I was elated because the very much anticipated-sleep depriving-headache inducing-mad late first issue of the Onyx finally hit campus newsstands yesterday. And though sneakers and jeans have, unfortunately, become my unofficial senior year uniform, Tuesday I mustered up the energy to bring my old self back by doing my hair and strutting out in a pair of heels. So yesterday not only was I able to actually hold the product of months of hard labor but I looked damn good and felt great. There was pep in my step and no one could tell me nothing......

It's funny how a few hours can change a day.

There is a teen at the center who has special needs... I'll call him Keith. Keith's social, mechanical, and learning skills aren't like other boys his age. One thing he LOVES to do is his homework. On some nights he brings it for someone at the center to help him. I've worked with Keith a few times on his class assignments and I found helping him extremely difficult. I didn't know how to break down the homework questions in a way for him to understand. I figured that since I don't have any official training in teaching children with special needs I just didn't know how to truly help him without simply giving him the answers.

Proper training or not, yesterday it was immediately apparent to me that Keith's work is far too advanced for him. Last night he brought in a packet that is appropriate for someone who is at least five grades above him. At that realization I became infuriated. I was angry because he is yet another child who is haplessly drifting along this country's educational system. It is obvious that Keith has not learned much. I know that is partly due to his learning disabilities but it's also because people have constantly given him the answers which is basically equal to doing the work for him.

Not wanting to take the easy route out and not sure on how to help him learn the contents of the packet, I unfortunately told Keith that tomorrow he would have to talk to one of his teachers.

Once I told Keith, who is adamant about finishing his assignments every night, that he'd have to turn in his homework incomplete, he became agitated. I apologized to him several times and he frustratingly told me it was fine , though I knew it wasn't. When he quickly put on his jacket and left my heart broke. Tears welled up in my eyes as my mood unceremoniously tumbled off cloud 9.

That entire night at work my attitude was stale. I couldn't get Keith out of my mind. I have a severe Anne Sullivan/Miracle Worker Complex and it's real hard for me to turn a blind eye on someone in need.

Each youth worker at the center is given a case load. It our responsibilty to keep in contact with the teens in our load and stay up to date with their teachers and parents. My case load contains most of the teens that are considered "troubled". I guess it happened that way because the directors see my save the world mentality and know that most of the kids genuinely like me.

Recently Keith was added into my case load. I wont front, I am a bit overwhelmed and intimidated by the task that's ahead of me but I'm going to try my hardest to hold my kids back from slipping through the cracks.

it's more than just a shirt

This and this is ridiculous! Since I now work with teenage boys I'm more aware of their choice of clothing and the issues that surround them. Young men today are living in a time where doorags, bandanas, hats, and t-shirts are no longer worn as fashion statements but as signs of affiliation and intimidation. Uniforms may be the way to go.

Back in Action

I haven't posted in over a month and I was contemplating just giving up blogging all together. I've been so consumed with all that is life, that blogging didn't interest me anymore. But one of my fans has persuaded me to begin posting again so here I am, back in action.

Not really wanting to put all my business out there but tempted to share I'll let it be known that there's a special someone in my life right now. Everything is new and we're still in developement so there aren't any titles. I don't know where whatever we're doing is headed but what I do know is that what we have feels oh so good.

I've known him for 4 years but never really looked at him in the more than a friendly associate kind of way. We would say hi and have brief conversations but never anything exstensive. This summer he finally revealed to me how he's liked since the first time he saw me 4 years ago and I of course being Queen Oblivious had no idea.

It's funny how someone I used to see around every 6 months now occupies most of my free time. Though I try to keep my heart guarded, I must admit I'm so caught up in this new us. He is definitely woo woo wooing me and I'm enjoying it for as long as it lasts.

My weeknight job is at a youth center with 14 to 19 years olds. I love my job, the kids, and my coworkers but what's bothering me is how the majority of the boys are wearing those STOP SNITCHING shirts. Every single time I see them my insides boil. Those shirts perpetuate the mentality of: if you see or hear something act like you didn't and keep it moving. I do believe in the good old mind your own business but there are certain times when that rule definitely does not apply. What makes me even angrier is that one of the youth workers at my job cosigns with the shirts and feels that the sooner the kids learn to not snitch "they'll live longer". We started to get into a heated debate right in the director's office but I stopped myself. I know my co-worker's attitude comes from him having a troubled childhood marred by many run-ins with the law. He has definitely taken a few steps in a positive direction but unfortunately he hasn't completely disassociated himself from the old lifestyle. I'm holding on to the hope that the teens at the center aren't in too deep for me to reach them.

My mother turns 50 this month. I'm finally getting serious about beginning my autobiography and this Thanksgiving break I'm going to start recording our mother-daughter talks. It's funny how I spent much of my preteen years thinking she was my worst enemy whose sole purpose in life was to make me miserable and keep me away from boys. Now she's who I want to be. The older I get the more I see her as more than a mother but as a fellow woman.

When is Teairra Mari's 15 minutes up?

[Chorus]
I ain't had no daddy around when I was growing up
That's why I'm wild and I don't give a f***
Y'all think cuz these jeans fit, I'll give it up
Don't let my cute face fool yah

[Bridge]
All, all my girls from a broken home
When you're feeling all alone
And you feel you can't go on
Call me
-- No Daddy, Teairra Mari

Wow. I almost have no words. I was catching up on music videos when I saw the Princess of the ROC Teairra Mari's No Daddy. The video isn't much to talk about it. Its theme is a mixture of Gwen Steffani's Hollaback Girl and Britney Spear's Baby One More Time. Teairra Mari struts around an all girl high school in khaki hot pants and a midriff baring top with a handful of fellow no daddy having teenage females prancing behind her.

What kills me is that in the bridge she urges other woman who are going through tough times and feeling lonely to call her.....hmmmm...ummerrah..Now I don't know about you but if I was sitting in my room feeling low and needed some encouragement, the celebrity I would like to have on speed dial is the one and only Queen of the Come Up, Oprah Winfrey. Oprah rose from a childhood marred by repeated sexual abuse and low self esteem to create an inspiring life filled with personal and professional growth, numerous Emmys, movies, and a successful television show that has been around for 20 years. Though she's been interrupting guest on her show more and more lately, Oprah's accomplishments can not be denied. Man, if I was experiencing a bad case of the blues not only would she give me the best advice but Oprah would also tell me to check under my bed and there would probably be keys to a brand new car or some other expensive goodie, that would definitely wipe my tears away.

Perhaps at 17 Teairra Mari has experienced some hard knock times. And getting signed to the ROC under Jay-Z's reign is definitely an undeniable accomplishment but I'm going to have to say no thanks to any advice she would give.

Jay-Z's plans with Def Jam are still questionable to me. Is he attempting to take over the music industry with barely legal female singers? I can't front Rihanna doesn't bother me but Teairra Mari rubs me the wrong way. I know that sex sells and that's unfortunate.

All female artist strive for longevity but don't realize that simply prancing around in skimpy outfits just won't cut it. When will they learn that showing all that you got will only temporarily compensate for a lack of vocal skills and stage presence? Teairra Mari's 15 minutes are ticking away.

Pieces of Me

There's something I've been tempted to blog about for almost a week now but I haven't really figured it all out in my head yet. I don't want to post it without being sure that every words describes exactly how I feel about the situation...maybe I'll have it all together by the weekend.

Inspired by a fellow blogger I decided to post some random things about me that some may not know.

WARNING: Nothing- I mean nothing- in this blog can be used against me. If you read this post and see me on the streets-- act as if you don't know me. If you however do have the audacity to approach me and attempt to recklessly discuss my business on the streets I will act as if I don't know you and give you my worse evil look of death. You have been warned.

* Not only is reading fundamental but it is essential in my life. Though I've fallen in love with magazines, books are my first love. If a book is good I'll revisit it over and over again, like an old friend.

* I knowingly use my size and angelic features to get what I want. Trust me, when I poke out my bottom lip and give my best puppy dog expression, it's a wrap for anyone in a 2 mile radius. You won't be able to say no to me.

* I HATE when people are behind me. I can't stand having folks hanging around somewhere I can't see them. What the heck are you doing back there? That's why I almost never let anyone hold the door for me or get behind me on a stairwell. To all those gentlemen out there I'm sorry. I know that you're intentions are good and your momma raised your right but if you don't want me to tense up and black on you please just don't stand/walk behind me.

* Ice cold ginger ale is my cure-all. Be it an illness, sore throat or simply a gray day ginger ale does it for me.

*I have a slight Napolean complex. I learned early that if your short and look younger than you are, folks don't take you seriously so sometimes you have to demand that they respect you. I don't go around beating people up buuuuuuuuut I am known for stronging arming folks when needed.

* I LOVE to eat, especially reeeeeaaaaaaally spicy food. I don't even think that love adequately describes my relationship with food. I'm a sucker for a man who can work it in the kitchen or knows all the best local restuarants. Feeding me is a surefire way to get to my heart ....and other things. ; - )

* I don't put anything past anyone. It's hard to surprise me. I believe that everyone is capable of just about anything -- good or bad.

*I'm shy. A lot of folks are shocked that I can be shy but it's unfortunately o so true. Close friends have witnessed rare moments when I've turned a deep shade of purple and been at a lost for words.

* I love care free rainy days. Something about rain is so soothing and tranquil. If it rains and I don't have anything pressing on my agenda I like to stay inside all day in my pjs, cook a good meal, catch up on some shows, and fall asleep with the window open just a tad.

* Whenever someone is talking to me I try my best to look them in the eye. The eyes tell a lot and no one wants to feel as if you're not paying attention.

* I want to adopt a child once I'm professionally and financially secure, regardless if there's a special someone in my life. I don't like to hear women in their 40s confessing that they want children but are waiting for Mr. Right in order to start a family. Though I would love to be married one day, my desire to have children is MUCH greater and besides not everyone ends up walking down the aisle. I figure why wait for a Mr.Right, who may never show up, when there are plenty of children in need of a family? Sperm banks are definitely out of the question.

* I come from a touchy feely family so I can't help giving lots of hugs. It's in my blood.

* Saying that someone completes you doesn't sit too well with me. It sounds beautiful and I understand how hearing that can make someone's heart pitter patter but the notion of needing someone else to feel whole just isn't right to me. I would rather have someone who compliments me very well but I believe that before entering a relationship you should have a firm grasp of who you are or atleast acknowledge that you're a work in progress. I know a lot of folks that enter relationships because they need someone else to validate them. You should never use a relationship to define who you are because if that relationship ever comes to an end you would feel as if you've lost yourself and that to me is a great tragedy.

* I am endlessly entertained by people watching. I can sit in one spot for hours watching folks walk by. People do the darndest things when they think no one is looking.

* I own several memory boxes which store pictures, stories I've written in grade school, movie stubs, concert tickets, keepsakes from friends and past relationships, playbills and anything else I want to remember. Once a year I dedicate a night to reorganizing my memory boxes. I spread out on my floor and reminsce. I cry and laugh. Sometimes I do both simultaneoulsy.

* Random folks tell me random things. I don't know what it is but strangers love to talk to me. Maybe it's because they can sense that I won't judge them and that I believe everyone has a story to tell.

* I LOVE to laugh and tell jokes. Laughter is universal. To be able to laugh freely with loved ones is one of life's greatest experiences.

* I have a blessed life. I believe that my life's purpose is to be a positive impact. If atleast one person's life is made better because of my exsistance than I will feel accomplished.

* I love to cuddle. All my guy and girl friends now that if you share a bed with me I will cuddle you so don't fight the feeling.

* I know how to keep a secret.

* My pride and I are in a constant battle. I've always been taught to be self-adequate and never rely on others. My mother raised all of her kids to be givers and NEVER takers. So for a long time it's been difficult for me to allow people to help me out but I'm learning when my load is heavy it's okay to let loved ones make it lighter.

* I'm silly so I crack myself up ALL the time.

* I love surprises and rarely get them!

*I'm quick to playfully flirt and give someone a compliment. Everyone wants to feel good and attractive.

That's it for now. Perhaps more later.

falling in love with me

"To love oneself is the beginnig of a life long romance" ~ Oscar Wilde

Recently I recieved an email from a dear missed friend and it was exactly what I needed. She reminded me of how much we're growing and coming into our own. My missed friend also made me see how much of me is still the same and probably will never change.

Nowadays I feel as though I'm truly seeing me for the first time ,which may sound silly because I look at myself everyday. But I guess I mean that now I'm seeing all of me and I'm in awe.

I'm becoming fond of the soft shape of my eyes and how they close up when I smile due to the chubbiness of my cheeks. I'm captivated by my rich honey coated chocolate complexion and the silkiness of my skin. I admire the strength of my thighs and my back.......

It has always been difficult for me to gracefully recieve compliments. When it comes to my work or writing, a few good words here and there are okay. But anything said about my phyiscal has always made me uncomfortable.

When I was younger my mother's female friends would fuss over my thick raven colored hair and jokingly ask me to fetch a pair of scissors so that they could have some. I would immediately attempt to satisfy their request because I wanted them to like me. My father's friends and male cousins would affectionately tell me that I would have every man proposing when I got older. To make things worse in 3rd grade my body started to develop faster than my friends. I wore baggy clothes in an attempt to hide my premature curves. The last thing I wanted to do was draw attention to myself because I experienced early how cruel females can be if they feel that you're getting more attention from the opposite sex than they are.

I think that part of my difficulty with accepting compliments comes from me not believing in them. It's not that I suffer from an extreme case of low self esteem, I simply never looked at myself that hard. I also never wanted to stick out. I learned early that sticking out brings unsolicited attention and hateration. But now I'm slowly beginning to say thank you to kind words and see myself the way others do.

For the first time I've fallen in love with every bit of me and it feels incredible.

Lifted

I am on a high! Recently I've been feelings as if I'm floating on air and I don't want to come back down anytime soon. My insides are glowing.

The Onyx held our 2nd SOULSPEECH Live last night and it was a PERFECT ending to Onyx Week. We had some Jill, Billie, and Erykah playing lightly in background. Incense and candles burned, adding to the ambience. Around 7:45pm folks slowly trickled in and the vibes were positive. We purposely didn't have a sign up sheet or rigid program. The night was all about expressions from the soul, so we encouraged anyone who felt something on their hearts to come up and share. There were testimonies, jokes, poetry, and singing. Folks got inspired and began writing poems and thoughts down on napkins. My man Terry Gresham came through and blessed us all with his vocals. The Cabral Center got so packed that we ran out of chairs but no one complained. During the moments when no one stepped up to the mic we would all sit back, turn up the music, and enjoy eachother's company. Last night more than ever we were all family and the Tute was our home. SOULSPEECH could have lasted until midnight but campus police needed to lock up the building. We promised everyone that it will definitely be a monthly event.

Though the Onyx has been through more than its fair share of hard times, this week has proven to me why we're here and the reason I've been editor-in-chief for 3 years. In 1972, Ted Thomas, Ileen Dotson, Joyce Clark, Harold Hunte, and Barbara Ellis came together because students of the African Diaspora at Northeastern needed their voices heard. In 2005 that need is still present. Nowadays since some of our battles and obstacles aren't as overt many of us have become complacent and that's why the Onyx endures.