Wednesday, December 28, 2005

what's my motivation?

Last night a few of my girls and I went out to a Vivian Green concert. This was my second Vivian show and she definitely does not disappoint. Whatever man/men did her so wrong that she could make 2 albums about it... all I can say is daaaaaaaaaaamn!

I absolutely LOVE her first cd. It was one of the albums that became the soundtrack to the summer of my sophmore year, since my roommates and I kept it in constant rotation. I haven't bought her most recent work but from the songs she sang last night it sounds pretty decent.

Hearing her voice fill B.B. Kings last night reminded me that I don't sing anymore -- not that my voice has certified gold potential or anything but I've been known to hold a note. Seeing Vivian on that stage pouring out all of her heart made me realize that I've allowed many things that I love and make me who I am to dissipate out of my life.

I've been so caught up with simply living and helping others that all my side projects and hobbies have gone neglected. What's far far far far worse than me not singing is that I haven't really been writing much. Other than assignments and a few pieces for the magazine I haven't written anything just for me. I can't remember the last time I wrote a poem or worked on one of my several unfinished stories.

I'm feeling uninspired. I haven't really been on it like I usually am or like I can be. I have all these ideas and thoughts running through my head but my creative juices just can't seem to flow down to my fingers. Maybe when undergrad is all said and done I'll have more time and inspiration will comeback to me.

Oh another thing I was thinking about last night is that folks have a tendenacy of over thinking things and making it bigger than it needs to be. Sometimes things are simple and genuine--nothing more and nothing less. I know it's random but that's what was on my mind last night.....

missing you

my father passed away december 26th, 1994. and though it's been 12 years sometimes the pain still feels fresh.

Monday, December 19, 2005

get ready--tonight is a night to remember

December 9th I turned 22.

For as long as I can remember my birthdays have always been hit or miss. With finals, holiday season and the death of my father all in the same month my day of birth sometimes simply gets caught up in the mix.

Last Friday I had an 8 o'clock final and unfortunately ran errands in a crazy ass storm that consisted of snow and thunder. That night I ended up at a holiday party since I figured all my friends would be there but I was wrong. I knew only a handful of people because most of my loves ones were tired or just didn't feel like trekking through the snow. Being a light weight to the second power and feeling a little sad on my bday I ended up drinking too much wine. Lets just say that my sexy was definitely not preserved.

The next day I recounted my birthday night to my girl Mel. I told her that all I really wanted was good food, lots of laughs and to be in the ocmpany of friends. Mel asked me not to worry and promised to make it happen. All I had to do was be ready after work to go out.

Saturday, December 10th, 2005 was one of the best birthdays and nights of my life! We went to this place called King's and shut the place down. The food wasn't all that amazing but they made mojitos just the way I like them which means a lot because not a lot of spots can make mojitos right. Our waiter was named Benjamin but since a lot of us were New Yorkers we ended up calling him Benny all night. Benny was great and at the end of his shift made sure to find us and let us know we were his best customers.

What brought the night all together was the music. The music at King's was crazy! We asked Benny who the dj was and he told us that it was actually a mix of songs put together by all the employees. We were shocked because the playlist was absolutely flawless. It was a perfecrt mix of early 90s rap and r&b. We snapped our fingers and swayed to Biggie, New Edition and Mary as we ate our food. After awhile we couldn't take it anymore so we got up and started dancing - nevermind that King's doesn't have a dancefloor.

The laughs that night were endless. There was a lapdances, a soul train line, and dancing on tables. From the staff to the other folks there that night--everyone was included in our fun.

What I couldn't get over that night is that NO ONE attempted to kill our joy. In the almost 5 years that I've been in Boston there has often been a Joy Killer or Debbie Downer around. But that night not one single person told us to get off the tables or asked us to keep it down.

As we finally put on our jackets to leave I was struck by an intense sensation of dejavu and it some how felt comforting. We ended the night two stepping out Temptation style to Kweli's Never Been in Love Before.

I truly believe birthdays can only be wonderful when spent with loved ones and when everyone feels as if it's there birthday too. Mel said it best when she said that it was sincerely the best birthday party she ever had/went to and called the whole experience "spiritual". Spiritual meaning that feeling you get when all is right and every part of your being is content.

That night's joy spilled over into the rest of my week and had me floating. Since I'm getting older and this being my last year as an undergrad, I've decided to back track and close some things in my life. I want to leave Boston with a very small list of should ofs, could ofs, and would ofs. So I'm supposed to be getting up with someone when I go home for the holidays--we'll see if that happens and what transpires if it does. I know that I can't go back and fix everything but I'll try my best.

Mel, Nissi, and I hosted a grown & sexy holiday party this past Saturday. Since we served wine and champagne in red plastic dixie cups we concurred that we don't have the grown part down yet, so it was still sexy but more like young and sexy. We dimmed the lights, put up white christmas lights and had candles everywhere to set the mood.

The holiday party was another incredible evening. Since it was a dinner party all guest were asked to bring wine/champagne/a dessert and come dressed in cocktail attire. Folks truly did it up. The dresses were banging and there were some brothers definitely holding it down.

Thanks to the cooking expertise of Mel and I the guests kept smacking their lips after tasting the stuffed clams, shrimp, green beans and teriyaki chicken we cheffed up. And Ms. Barbara definitely made some serious Haitian rice and beans.

The mix of guests was perfect because Mel, Nissi and I have several mutual friends and associates. Towards the end of the night someone decided to blow out the candles, turn off the christmas lights, move the coffee table and get the party started. Several ladies took off their high heeled shoes and it was officially on. We electric slided it, soul trained it, and two stepped it up until we were all way too tired to move.

Though I'm happy for all these wonderful moments with friends, it's causing me to miss one girlfriend in particular. I feel as if I'm losing her and it's because she seems to want to be lost. I won't front I'm defintely hurt but what can I do? I love her and I know that relationships are like waves. Perhaps this is just one of our low points.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

almost moments

I've finally come to terms with the fact that my attraction to you is never going away.
Never meaning that no matter how hard I try to convince myself that these feelings have disappeared ...when I'm being real with me... I know that I want you now more than I did that night I first saw you.

Years have passed and you still cause my breathe to get heavy and my body to tingle with the wish of being near you.

You know what frustrates me? Is that we've had so many moments of almosts--times when it seemed that something could/would develop but never did.

Maybe it's because you're just not that into me or no matter how strong the feelings are perhaps we're afraid. Afraid of what could/would happen if we actually stopped fronting, stepped out of comfort zones and chose to be real.

Though I'm happy with Mr. Man...... I question what I would do if you decided to take a chance.

Maybe this is simply an intense lust. Maybe we're incompatible and a relationship between us would be unstable. Maybe it's true that everything we want we aren't meant to have.

Perhaps all there is are those moments of almosts.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

MJB has my heart



Mary has done it to me again. Her single 'Be Without You' is on constant rotation @ my place. The song is simply the truth. Mary hits notes that I never knew she had in her. The video is beautiful too. She even has Mr. Putting Woman Through It Terrance Howard playing her man in.

I forgive Mary for her sometimes simple lyrics and off key singing. I've overlooked those things because Mary has always delivered realness. She's been able to seamlessly blend b-girl forthright into R & B and at the same time take us to church.

When Mary was going down we were down there with her. And when she declared no more drama we too ignored the haters and negativity that threatened to rain on our happiness. How can you not love someone who has continously exposed her deepest pains and flaws and only asks that we accept her as she is?

Mary is the champion of all the woman who have/are going through it and the men who love them.Go into most clubs and at some point in the night 'Real Love' the remix with Biggie has the dancefloor jumping like it's 1992 all over again. That's a genuine testament to how much Mary touches us.

She's finally embracing that Mary that we've always seen inside of her.

Oh Ms. Blige how I love you so.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Sick & Tired


When is it time to call it quits, pack up your things and keep it moving?

I don't even have the energy to go into what transpired the last 2 weeks. But I will say that the nonsense and inconsideration had me seriously contemplating stepping down for my post as the magazine's head woman in charge. My staff let me down to the second power and left me furious and hurt.

I felt/feel like an overworked underprivileged mother who is expected to make miracles out of scraps. On Monday I called a meeting and informed the staff that I'm completely removing myself from the process of producing this year's 2nd issue. I realized that I've done them a great disservice because they've been accustomed to me being around and doing more than my fair share. I needed something drastic to shake them up and make them realize that this is my last year.

So I shared 10 minutes of my disappointed 2 cents and left the office. I gave them a detailed list of the things that needed to get done for our next issue but I would not offer any advice or suggestions. As I walked away I prayed that instead of getting upset and defensive, the staff would come together and get the job done. Though I want them to be successful I also hope they finally understand how much I do and grasp that putting a magazine together doesn't happen with magic.

Well word on the street is that my staffers have been spotted in the library at all times of night and around campus taking pictures. And Wednesday I was asked to look over pics from the cover photo shoot. There were some things I liked and some I didn't but I tried my best to step back and allow them to find their own way.

It's funny to me how senior year is like last call at the bar. Everyone's in a hurry to accomplish all the things they neglected to say, do, or try in the beginning. Brothers I've known for a minute are now revealing their true feeling. Though I'm surprised and flatter I've been here since the beginning so what took you so long? But I guess that's human nature to spend time wondering what could be until it's too late.

I give Mr. Man much credit for taking a chance and finally speaking up. Though it took him 4 years to do it I'm glad that he did because I would have definitely missed out. I'm still enjoying our exclusively dating arrangement. He brings me a sense of comfort that's needed in my busy life and Mr. Man also has the 4 Cs down: cooking, cleaning, cuddling, and communicating. Don't get me wrong things aren't all good all the time -- we've had a few small spats here and there--but nothing too major. My girl Jackie put it best by stating that Mr. Man and I have reached our plateau. Things are still somewhat new but we're both passed the intense being all up under eachother stage. Feelings are still very strong but we're giving each other breathing room.

I'm constantly asked why, if I like him so much, haven't we made things official and what the hell does exclusively dating mean. Weeeelll in my world being in a relationship and exclusively dating are two different things. Dating is when two people are learing about each other and figuring out whether a relationship could actually work. A relationship is when both people are comfortable enough with what they've learned and are willing to make a commitment from it. So Mr. Man and I are exclusively dating. We've basically decided to get to know only each other. This may not make sense to others but we're completely satisfied with our little situation.